The Shamanic Anti-Telepathy Hat

It was in the early post- season that the shaman emerged from his laboratory at deer camp with a proud “Eureka!”

“Scooter,” said the shaman, “ I've been trading e-mails with my old buddy Nosmo, and we think we've got an idea on how to get the anti-telepathy hat idea off the ground.”

Scooter looked up from his homework. “How's that Uncle Shaman?”

“The problem that I've always had with the shamanic anti-telepathy hat idea was that there was no way to prove that it worked. Nosmo thinks we can sell millions of them just because no one can really prove that they don't work.”

“But what about the science behind it?” asked Scooter.

“Nosmo has that figured out too.” replied the shaman. “ All we have to do is say 'Scentifically Proven' in our literature, and nobody will seriously question it. Here look at this!” The shaman leaned over and twiddled Scooter's laptop a bit and brought up a Youtube video. It showed two clips. One showed a gorilla in a cage and the cage was hooked up to a device that monitored the movement of the cage as it was suspended in the air. As the gorilla moved about, a graph line went up and down in the bottom of the frame. The video then cut away to the same thing, only now the video showed a completely inactive gorilla wearing a foil-covered baseball cap with a fancy “SHAMANIC ANTI-TELEPATHY” logo and the graph line at the bottom was smooth and flat.

“That's amazing!” said Scooter. “It really works.”

“Isn't Nosmo amazing?” replied the shaman. “He went to the zoo and found out they were going to give this gorilla a root canal, and they had him caged up. All he had to do was slip in and shoot the video. He's got a buddy that works as a veterinary assistant at the zoo.”

“Is that graph really showing the results of the hat?” asked Scooter.

“Well, sort of.” replied the shaman. “We can't really measure telepathic energy yet, so we are using physical energy as an analog of sorts. All we're really doing is measuring the movement of the cage. On the other hand, you have to admit that when you're agitated, you have a tendency to fidget and move around a lot on the stand.

“So the hat makes him quiet down?” asked Scooter.

“No, actually the first video was shot while the gorilla was being brought into the facility.” said the shaman. “The second part of the video was shot as the gorilla was being watched after the procedure.”

“So what's up with the gorilla?” asked Scooter. “He looks like he was sleeping.”

“Oh, I don't know if he's sleeping, but he's been calmed down quite a bit. Nosmo said they had to dart that sucker three times before he'd go out.”

“So the gorilla is drugged?”

“Of course, you can't get a gorilla to sit still for a root canal!” exclaimed the shaman. The vet would have his arm ripped off.

“So I don't see what this has to do with the anti-telepathy hat.”

“Everything.” replied the shaman. “See, you have to assume that a wild gorilla with an abscessed molar is pumping out some serious waves, right? I mean, I personally get a little freaky just watching that first part of the video.”

“Yeah, so?”

“So you can assume there's a lot of whatever being generated, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So in the second video, we've got a calm monkey and a flat line on the graph. We can assume that the gorilla is not pumping out that vibe he was doing before and sure enough the graph shows it.”

“But where does the telepathy fit in?”

“Look Scooter!” said the shaman. “Tense people make tense vibes, right? Calm people make calm vibes. If you go to the petting zoo and jump up and down, the little baby goat ain't coming over to you, right?”

“Yeah.”

“But if you do like you're supposed to and calm down and stick out your hand, the baby goat comes over and eats out of your hand, right?”

“Yeah.”

“So?”

“So?”

“I still don't get it.”

“What I'm saying is this makes the anti-telepathy hat a sure thing. Nosmo says this is scientific proof that it works, and we can leverage that into all sorts of things. The UV-Radioactive hunting suit, the Shamanic Scented Gum. He thinks we can market a line of logowear. We are even going to have our own camo pattern.”

“What's that like?”

“Look.” The shaman brought up a web page, built in WordPress. There were instructions for re-activating the telepathic hat by running it through the diswasher, and links to several press releases.

“I don't see anything.”

“See? “ said the shaman, pointing.

“Wait, you mean that little thumbnail of you and Nosmo hiding in the bushes?”

“Yeah.”

“But you guys were just wearing street clothes.”

“Exactly. Nosmo is getting that picture blown up and printed on shirts and stuff. If you can't see us, it must be good camo. No one can steal it either. It's got our faces in it.”

“If you say so. What I still don't get is this anti-telepathy thing. If you can't prove the hat works, how are you going to sell it.”

“Marketing.” replied the shaman. “First off, I've written a set of instructions that will go on every piece of Shamanic AntiTelepathyWear. It's a basic course in meditation reduced to the size of a 3X5 card. It has lots of stuff about deep breathing and imagining you're floating on a cloud and that sort of thing. “

“And?”

“And. . . If you follow those instructions, it'll make you calmer. It will lower your telepathic signature, and it will keep the deer from seeing you fidget on the stand. We also include a mailer so that you can send in for a bottle of special anti-telepathy vitamins.”

“What are those?”

“Every successful product needs to have a consumable associated with it anymore. The hat is just an entree into the whole consumable Shamanic world. Once you register your hat for the lifetime warranty, we send you a bottle of Shamanic AntiTelepathy Vitamins. It's really just a weak multi-vitamin for kids with an extra shot of melatonin. It's a kiddie vitamin, so it's chewable, and you can eat a handful of them and they're still safe.. The melatonin is in there to calm you down a little. I tried them—I was on my second pot of coffee, but they chilled me right out and I laid down and took a nap.

“Isn't that a problem?” asked Scooter. “Falling asleep in a treestand?”

“NAW!” said the shaman. “I used to do it all the time. You fall forward, the safety harness grabs you, you wake up. Besides, we also have a caffeine pill that Nosmo is calling the 'Shamanic Super-Energizer. We send out both in the Hunters Super Season Package along with a selection of Shamanic Cover Scent Gum, a male enhancement gel and a free lockback knife. If you're a deer hunter that wants the ultimate edge. . . well, here it is.” The shaman brought out a lockback knife and said. “Here, read this.”

“Made in Pakistan.” read Scooter.

“No, the other thing. Read under the logo.”

“'For the Hunter that needs to be sure.' “I still don't get it.” said Scooter.

“Oh,” said the shaman. “You will. Nosmo has bought time on every hunting show there is for next season. We have one husband and wife duo that has agreed to wear nothing but ShamanicWear. We even hired Vince Schlongomo-whatsit to promote Shaman-WOW! On TV and at all the trade shows. He'll be slapping whores in camo all over the country on our dime, but it'll be worth it. Shamanic Enterprises is dedicating itself to helping create the need for products designed for the hunter that needs to be sure.“

“I mean the anti-telepathy thing.” said Scooter. “Nobody has actually tested it on deer. All you've done so far is shot a video of a drugged gorilla with an aluminum foil baseball hat on his head. The rest is . . . is just . . .” Scooter was at a loss for words. “

“Let me just correct you right there, Scooter.” replied the shaman. “This is not an aluminum foil hat. It's made of Space Age Mylar bonded to a sturdy woven polyester substrate.”

“You're a cheat!”shouted Scooter. “Frankly, Uncle Shaman I'm a little surprised you'd stoop this low.”

“Frankly,” said a voice coming from behind. “I'm surprised the shaman there could keep a straight face this long.”

“Whh.. . Whhh?” Scooter sputtered. With that, the ghost of Alan Funt appeared and floated into the scene. He pointed our way and then put his arms on the surprised little boy's shoulders.

“It's okay,” said Alan Funt. “Look out there and wave. You've been on Candid Camera. When my old buddy the shaman called me on the Discorpora-phone I didn't think this was going to work at all, but I that look on your face-- it was worth coming back from the dead.”

“Thanks Alan!” said the shaman. He shook hands with the ghost.The spirit of Alan Funt then faded into nothing and was gone.

“So this is all a fake?” asked Scooter.

“Every bit of it.” replied the shaman.

“Whew! I couldn't believe. . . I mean I couldn't . . .” the boy was speechless.

The shaman then turned back to the rest of us. “Guys, don't get caught up in these too-good-to-be-true hunting gimmicks. Run away. Run away as fast as you can.”Do it for yourself. Do it for those you love. Do it for the kids. The action froze.

Alan Funt's voice returned. “This message has been brought to you as a public service by the Shamanic Hunters of America.” A short animation then ran showing a mob of hunters chasing a guy with a funny headress and rattle, before the video faded to black and was gone.